Saturday, October 11, 2014

I'm Backkkkk...Pregnancy Update

Well, it certainly has been a longgggg time since I have done one of these updates! I have missed working on the blog, but it has been a struggle documenting this pregnancy since the loss of one of my twins. I was not in the right place emotionally to do any updates or documenting. I kept pushing it off week after week because I didn't really know where to start. First, I want to thank everyone for their support through this difficult time. The kind words have been very comforting (especially on rough days).

Many of you have left comments on my Youtube channel asking for an update, and I will have a video out soon. I will not lie, it has been very hard. I've gone though feelings of guilt, anger, and just plain sadness. It's so weird because I have soooo much happiness and love when it comes to my son. I am always talking to him (probably a little too much) and singing to him. I have a very strong bond with him already! I often feel guilty because I wonder if my other baby is looking down sad because I cannot bond with him/her since he or she has passed away. And then I feel bad for my son because his best friend and "womb mate" is no longer here. I often think about how close they would have been, and what life would have been like watching them grow up together.

And I just feel sad at times because I miss having both of my babies period. I love them both, and wish I could have them both. It's hard when people make ignorant comments too.  I've had a few ill mannered people ask me if I am having twins because of how large my bump is, and every time it triggers my feelings about the loss. And then I've actually had people say strange things like losing the the baby was a blessing because babies are expensive and etc. As if I should be happy one of them didn't make it! I don't care if it would cost me millions of dollars, I would never wish to lose a baby. That is just sick!

I wish people knew how to properly address women who are dealing with loss. I might actually make a post at some point on things you should never say to someone who has lost a baby. It's a big deal. I became a mother the moment those babies were conceived and the bond is insane.In my experience, I don't think it something one can ever GET OVER. At least I don't think I ever will. I do however, feel like I will be able to GET THROUGH it though.

I am a little nervous right now because as I get closer to birth I feel like it will be a very happy time...but there will also be sadness because the other baby won't be born. It's such a strange feeling. I guess I feel like we will be celebrating my son, and also coming to terms with the fact that the other baby didn't make it. I'm hoping I can just solely focus on my son, but I feel like the sadness will still creep in at times during the birthing process. My doula has suggested that I write  a letter to the baby who passed away. Perhaps that will help. I also plan to talk to a professional after the birth of my son, and maybe join a loss support group. I have avoided talking to many people about my emotions because I am trying to stay as calm as possible for the rest of this pregnancy.

Other than dealing with the loss, my pregnancy has been great. I am looking forward to being a mom, and I feel extremely blessed. I actually love being pregnant! I think growing a baby is such a beautiful thing. I feel prettier than ever and overall happy. I do not complain about being ready to pop, the pain, and etc. I am not trying to rush him into the world just so I can "have my body back" and etc. I want to my son to stay put as long as he needs to. If that means carrying to 42 weeks, so be it lol. I just want the best for him, and I just feel blessed to even have him!

At any rate, I am back to documenting my journey! I plan to have a few more posts for you guys later in the week. Stay tuned!


B. R. said...

My mouth dropped when I read the comments about babies being expensive. I know people can be ignorant, but that's just unfathomable. The worst thing I could imagine someone saying in this instance is once the child got older and more rambunctious, that they would have added enough chaos for two babies. That could be taken as a joke to some people, or offensive to others, but either way I would refrain from saying it to someone... but the money thing... wow.

I was also surprised and saddened by the feelings of guilt you expressed for thinking of your other child not feeling loved. I can't tell you how to feel, but I doubt your child would feel that way. I think the doula's suggestion was a beautiful one, and the consideration of counseling/support is great as well.

The statement "I don't think it's something one can ever GET OVER [but] I will be able to GET THROUGH it" was very poignant, and something many people should hear. When I read about the loss I thought about what it would be like for me, and I realized I would have to take solace in the fact that I still had something to gain, whereas some people only had one blessing and have to hear that same news. No one can tell a parent losing a child what to feel or how to cope, though, because each scenario is unique and each person reacts differently.

To end this incredibly long post, I just wanted to add a congratulations for your energetic little one (who may grow up to be a superhero judging by his "abnormal" newborn strength LOL).

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