Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Our Baby Went to Heaven- Week 10 Pregnancy Update

Well, this update is quite depressing.And warning - it is very long. We went in for our appointment at 10 week and 1 day, only to find out that Baby B passed away. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I am always nervous when I go to ultrasounds, but this was our 4th one and all of the other ones went great. The babies always had strong heart beats and measured well in size.  I felt confident going in this time that both babies would be fine. After seeing strong heartbeats and hearing them, the chance of miscarriage drops to like 5% for most people. I even had an ultrasound one week prior and both babies were doing well! I felt like everything was going to go well.

When I went in for the ultrasound, I told the tech that I wanted to do it trans-vaginally so I could see the babies better. She said we could try doing it abdominal first, and then switch to trans-vaginal if I wanted a better look. I said a quick prayer before the ultrasound while holding hubby's hand. The tech found Baby A briefly, and even let us hear the strong heartbeat. I believe it was 152. The picture was so grainy since it was done over the tummy. I could see the baby move some, but it was hard to see exactly what was going on. 

She then went on to start looking for Baby B. She didn't really look very long at all. Maybe just 5 or 6 seconds total. I don't even know how she had enough time to see anything. She then told me I could go empty my bladder, and we could switch to trans-vaginal after that so she could get a better look. 

Once I came back from the restroom, we started the trans-vaginal ultrasound. I didn't think anything of her having a hard time finding Baby B because that baby was the furthest away, and many techs have a harder time finding it. Baby A is the closest to the cervix, and therefore easy to spot. She found Baby B, and then said words I will never forget, " It looks like Baby B doesn't have a heart beat." I just kinda sat there shocked thinking she was going to find it. I kept looking at my husband, and then back at her to see if she made a mistake. She just kept saying the baby didn't have a heart beat, and then began to apologize. I immediately lost it and broke down. 

I will never forget seeing my precious baby laying there lifeless on the screen. It was as if he/she was just floating in space or something. I kept looking at the screen hoping to see the flicker of a heartbeat...but nothing happened. She kept trying to get me to look at Baby A and how healthy it was. Apparently he/she was moving up a storm. I yelled, "No!" at her and covered my eyes while sobbing uncontrollably. As she was getting ready to print off the pictures, I asked if I could also have one of Baby B. She gave me three pics of Baby A, and one of  Baby B.

 I was then told to get dressed (while I was breaking down), and go sit in the waiting area.
They then called me over to weigh in and etc. The lady was so rude to me. I was crying and she knew I was upset. She was not even sympathetic at all, and had a very rude tone. She then sat me down and tried to force me to do blood work. I told her I wanted to wait because I wanted to ask the doctor if I could do the Materniti21 test in addition to my normal bloodwork. She then hassled me about not being old enough to take the test (you have to be 35 for insurance to cover it). I told her I would pay out of pocket. She then rudely ushered me off to my room to wait to be seen by the doctor.

The doctor was nice about the whole situation, and very comforting. He says the baby measured at 9 weeks 4 days. He said it was likely a chromosomal issue, and there's nothing I could have done. Still, I worried if I was to blame. Prior to getting preggo, my reproductive endocrinologist said I had great egg quality...so I was not expecting this. I was so shaken up that the whole thing felt like an outer body experience. It felt like a dream. Kind of like the moment they told me there were two sacs in there - I was in a daze. The doctor told me I could just come back for my blood work and the Materniti21 test later.

I went home and criedddddddddd for hours every day. I would even wake up in the middle of the night already sobbing. I keep pictures of my babies ultrasounds on my night stand so I can always look at them. I spent days just staring at my poor baby laying there lifeless. I was thinking about what could have been- what should have been. My husband tried getting me out of the house for small things to help me clear my mind. However, I was verryyy sensitive. We went to get food, and the song inside the store made me burst into tears right there in public at the register. I had to run out to the car. It was Easter weekend, and we didn't even go to church or see family. And it seems like I keep seeing baby twins everywhere now!

Finally, I told myself that I have to be stronger for Baby A so he/she can remain healthy. I felt so guilty for not watching their little movements during the ultrasound. Once I told myself I absolutely HAD to be strong for the health of  Baby A, things got a little better. I still cry daily, but it has gotten better each day.

I went to a different doctor today (at 10 weeks 6 days preggo) to get a 2nd opinion on Baby B. The doctor confirmed that Baby B was in fact dead, and had already started to dissolve. He/she measured at 9 weeks even today. Whereas last week he/she measured at 9 weeks and 4 days. They say the baby will be absorbed by my body, and does not put the healthy baby at risk.

I was able to get closure today at that ultrasound. I focused on Baby A, and how well he/she was doing. Baby A was a little gymnast today! It was flipping around and moving its little arms so much that the doctor had a hard time getting a good shot! I am so blessed to have been pregnant with both babies, and so happy that Baby A is still thriving. I guess I feel comfort knowing that Baby B will be re-absorbed into my body and in some ways will always be a part of me. It's not going to be easy, but I have to move forward for the health of my other baby, and myself.

I am still taking it day-by-day. Please continue to pray for my babies, my husband, and myself. Also, my weekly preggo stats and ultrasound pics are below! These pics were taken last week when we found out baby B was no longer with us. On the bright side, I can tell they both have hubby's stick-out ears. Too cute! I think baby A has my chubby cheeks.

Today's Date: 4/22/14

How far along- 10 weeks and 6 days pregnant

Baby is the size of: Kumquat

Favorite moment this week- It was a pretty depressing week. I guess resigning from my job Wednesday was the best thing (I gave 2 weeks notice prior)?? Also, finding out Baby A was still alive and thriving was a big blessing.

Miss Anything: Having both of my babies :(

Movement: I have felt something, but it could just be gas!

Food cravings- 
 Burgers, fries, gyros, Popsicles, and Philly cheese 

Anything making you queasy or sick-Veggies lol

Have you started to show yet- Yes! People have actually started to notice!

Weight Gain: 1.8 pounds up from pre-preg weight

Exercise: Some walking here and there. 

Stretch Marks: Just the ones I had pre-pregnancy lol! But I just started applying my prevention creams and oil last night!

Belly Button in or out- In

Gender- Don't know! My prediction is Baby A is a boy, and  Baby B is a girl. I took the Materniti21 blood test today. It tests for chromosomal abnormalities, but also gives gender too. The results should be back withing the next two weeks.

Sleep: It was rough after finding out that Baby B died. It's getting a little better each day...but I'm not getting the best sleepThe preggo pillow (Snoogle) does help though. 

Looking forward to: Feeling better with not so much nausea. Also, a real  baby bump! I'm also looking forward to delivering Baby A I never knew pregnancy was so stressful. I just want my baby to get here safely!

Other Notes: My linea nigra has gotten even darker, and now seems to be spreading to above my belly button as well. My skin still looks like crap. I also still have sore boobs, and itchiness from wearing a bra.


LilPixie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss *hugs*
Stay strong for Baby A and I hope all goes well with the rest of your pregnancy.

Unknown said...

I am really sorry for your lost <3 please be okay and everything will be fine with baby A.
Bless you and stay strong.

Candice said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your baby. I can't even imagine how you must feel!

Unknown said...

Sending you prayers wrapped in lots of love and hugs!!!

Natasha said...

I'm really sorry about your baby. I don't know if you should keep down the amount of ultrasounds you get. It seems like a lot. Please be careful and do a little research on the negative effects it might have on the baby.

TARAH said...

Hi Martina, unfortunately I know your situation first hand...but I wanted to ensure you that it will get better. My prayers to your family.

Unknown said...

I am really sorry your lost. God does things for a reason. I know right now it may not seem like it, but trust me he does. I will keep you and it family In my prayers... God bless sis stay strong baby A growing inside you everyday...

Unknown said...

Godbless you and your hubby! Be strong bc you have your lil one needs you! My prayers are with you.

Nikki Bethea said...

Praying for you and your hubby! Stay strong for baby A because he/she needs you!

Unknown said...

Hi Martina,
I am so sorry, about your lost. My prayers go out to you and your husband, Stay strong, Baby A needs his/her mommy.

GSmith said...

I'm sorry for your loss and that the nurse tried to dismiss how you were feeling. I'm glad you got closure for baby B. Will keep you and hubby in my prayers.

Unknown said...

So sorry for your loss. Praying for you and family.

Anonymous said...

Hi Martina, I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well and pray for the health of baby A, as well as your own well being. Try to stay strong!

Unknown said...

God bless you and your family. I cried for you and with you. I'm so sorry.

Unknown said...

God bless you Martina. I am praying for you and your family as I write this. I am very sorry for the loss of baby B...God's got her now. May you find comfort in God's loving arms and also in knowing that baby A is growing stronger and healthier day by day. Peace and blessings to you and your hubby.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I will pray that you and your husband will remain strong.

Unknown said...

Hang in there... may God bless you and your family.

Unknown said...

I am sorry for your loss...I lost a baby myself at 30 weeks...I know your pain but be strong!!!

Unknown said...

Sorry for your lost my prays go out to you and your husband,keep praying and stay strong!

Unknown said...

So sorry about your loss. I predict the baby will be a girl. If you said your skin looks like crap, people say when you have girls they "take away your beauty". Things like skin, and hair are some things that help u notice

Unknown said...

God Bless you and your husband. I'm holding back tears.

Unknown said...

I lost my baby boy 7 years ago and I miss him still. With time things do get better but I still cry some days :) I let myself cry and I don't beat myself up about it. Being a mother is the most awesome, wonderful, painful and excruciating experience in life. I wouldn't change one moment. I am blessed to have another son and he is the joy of my life. I hated when people talked about God having another plan, Him needing another flower etc. So, I pray that God give you peace that passes all understanding. Hold on to the fact that He gives beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for sorrow. Sending you much love little sister ;)

Unknown said...

I went through this as well 10 years ago. The surviving daughter is a beautiful ray of sunshine with a giant personality. She is aware of the loss of her twin and says many times that she has a special angel looking out for her. It's not easy right now, but you will learn to cope. You will always have the reminder of how old the other twin would have been, but be very thankful and grateful that you will have a little bundle to raise, love, train and cherish. Enjoy that sweetheart. Keeping you covered in prayer.

Unknown said...

Hi, I apologize for your loss....hence I encourage you to go to jw.org and type in where are the dead. Your hair videos inspired me to do my big chop. So, I hope I can help bring comfort to you and your husband by sharing Bible truth. Peace and Blessings to you!

Unknown said...

My sincere condolences for your loss. Even reading this now its heartbreaking. We can only imagine what you have been through. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

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